I can't make myself write here probably because I am in a good place right now. But believe me, it wasn't always easy. I still struggle.
I left my home country to explore other opportunities. I was 25. Jaded from a previous relationship -- a relationship that I thought was going to be my "happily ever after" (this deserves a separate post) -- and engaged to another man. I thought I was smarter, stronger after going through a lot already. I was wrong.
I was in a new place. Nobody knew me (except for a few relatives). I felt so free. It was liberating that for once I am earning my own money and was actually supporting my family back home.
To keep me sane, I joined chatrooms. Made friends and still communicated with my then fiance. It was difficult for us because of the time difference (he is in the US and I in the Middle East). The calls were so expensive and the lines were terrible! We held on for as long as we could until the calls got shorter and the gaps in between were longer.
We started arguing, a lot. He wanted me to try and get my US visa (tourist) so we can be together. I told him that he should just get me as his fiance. Time, distance and fate were not on our side. I couldn't just up and leave when I have just started my life -- I had bills and loans to pay, family to support and honestly, I am enjoying the freedom.
He on the other hand, felt neglected. He became jealous with the friends I made and he became unreasonable. This carried on for at least 7 months before I found out that he was actually living with another woman. His ex (yes, I am friends with his ex) told me that this woman told her about "them".
I confronted him. He admitted his affair. He said he was just helping this woman out because she ran away from home. I guess they developed feelings for each other during this time -- the time when he kept asking me to come to him. The time that he kept accusing me that I was having an affair. (It became clear that he was channeling his ways on me).
I wasn't perfect. There were other guys wooing me and I entertained the thought but I never got into a relationship, not until the fiance and I broke up.
He is now happily married. I am not.
I am happy (most of the time) but not married -- probably never getting married.